introvert extrovert

i don't even know what these words mean

July 23, 2021

I don't think I've heard a definitive definition for introvert and extrovert. Common ones I've heard are likes to be alone vs likes to socialize, gets drained of energy from social interactions vs gains energy from social interactions, and concerned with their own thoughts vs concerned with the social environment.

From my own experience, the camp I fall into is largely situational. I like to socialize and usually feel energized after hanging out with friends but it can get tiring to meet and talk to people all day. I also want to be a sociable, outgoing person but I'm not the best at putting myself out there. I would characterize myself as pretty mediocre at small talk, making friends, and other skills an extroverted person would be good at.

What does this mean? What is my "personality" if I want to be a certain way but I'm not good at it or act another way?

Not sure if this is an unpopular opinion, but I'm a big proponent of the belief that people can choose their personality. If you act nice all the time, people will start to think you're a nice person: a person with mean thoughts (that they keep to themselves) but kind actions is indistinguishable from a person with kind thoughts and kind actions.

Obviously each person has a baseline personality that influences what person they choose to be, but operating under the mindset that we get to choose what we are is great because it gives you more freedom. In an interview with Tim Ferriss, author Michael Lewis mentions:

If you listen to people, if you just sit and listen, you’ll find that there are patterns in the way they talk about themselves. There’s the kind of person who is always the victim... There's the person who’s always kind of the hero... There are lots of versions of this, and you’ve got to be very careful about how you tell these stories because it starts to become you, that you are in the way you craft your narrative, kind of crafting your character. And so I did at some point decide, “I am going to adopt self-consciously as my narrative, that I’m the happiest person anybody knows.”

This is part of the reason I dislike personality tests—they reinforce the stories we tell about ourselves and can become a crutch.

Something interesting I've been told is that trying to develop skills like being funnier or more sociable is "disingenuous." There seems to be a stigma around trying to learn social skills because it's supposedly a thing that you have naturally. This sentiment might come from the feeling that intentionally being funny, outgoing, charismatic, etc. is manipulative or not honest to who you are. But then again, if you always act funny, intentional or not, you become a funny person to other people. And who's to say what your "true self" is. Why can't we define authenticity as the person who you truly want to be?

For the past few years, I've been conscious about how I view myself. I try to be honest about who I am and who I want to be. I'm pretty open to changing and avoid using my personality as an excuse for shortcomings. I guess there is an "optimal Eli" in my mind that I am trying to become, but that standard is constantly changing as my values change. I also try to be more aware of the story I tell myself and use the narrative I have in my head to motivate behavior changes in real life.

It would be difficult for me to see it any other way. Living as a static character with immutable, pre-programmed traits? No thanks—reinvention is an amazing thing.