I finally have margin in my life

Note: this is a pretty rambly and unorganized post

I can't remember the last time I had this much margin in my life. Throughout high school, it felt like I was drifting from one deadline to the next. The daily experience was a grind to stay afloat and I never felt the "margin" to pursue things that might waste my time. In the moment, it felt normal because everyday I was doing the same thing but looking back I was constantly stressed and preoccupied.

Sometimes during particularly difficult times I would write mind dumps—unfiltered thoughts detailing whatever I couldn't stop thinking about. Looking back, every single thing I was worried about turned out okay and I was definitely overreacting at the time.

Having margin is a nice feeling though it isn't entirely what I expected. I thought having margin in my life would give me the space to do things that didn't have any explicit purpose or end goal. Stuff like learning songs on the piano or taking pictures outside. Instead, my dread of school related responsibilities has been replaced with pressure to pursue established personal projects like this blog. Whenever I'm watching TV or hanging out with friends I feel guilty that I'm not planning a new post or reading a book on my reading list.

I was watching Ali Abdaal's recent video and got a bit scared when he discussed a technique that involves planning an ideal ordinary week of your life. Right now, I have the most free time that I'll ever have and yet I don't have a clue what things I want or should be doing.

Having a sense of direction was easier during school because there were lots of set paths and defined success conditions. Summers have always been difficult for me because I have a hard time injecting structure into my life. During the school year, my default way to spend any free time would be to work on debate and prepare for the next tournament. Debate is especially good at filling up free time because there is always something you can do better. Since my season ended in April, I've ramped up my time spent going to the gym and hanging out with friends. While I enjoy those things, they lack the "path" that working on debate has. There is no culmination of my efforts or final product that I produce, they kind of just take up time.

I have some experiments in mind for the next few weeks and months that will hopefully help me develop a sense of direction (at least for the summer). I don't want to share them yet in case I don't follow through but fingers crossed that I will and if so I'll definitely write about them.