Feeling Behind in Life

A persistent feeling throughout high school was the feeling of being behind. It's a feeling that I'm not doing enough and should be accomplishing more. I had an ideal person in my mind and believed that becoming that person would bring satisfaction and finally give me peace of mind.

This is not a rare feeling. I've watched YouTube videos and read blog posts on how to combat this feeling. Through the things I've read and watched, and my own experiences, I’ve developed a mental model for understanding why we feel behind in life and what we can do about it.

Life paths, uniqueness, and becoming the best

As a high school student, your immediate life path is the same as your peers. Until you graduate, your goal is to get into a good college. It's also a well-defined path—get good grades, do well on standardized tests, and be accomplished in your extracurriculars.

But when you live among thousands of others pursuing the same thing, it's very hard to be the best. Most people are, by definition, around average.

It is almost certain that someone (probably more than one) in your social circle is further along the path you are both pursuing. If you're in the 50th percentile, you might look at someone in the 90th percentile and feel behind. Someone in the 90th percentile might look at the 99th and feel behind. Even someone in the top 1% might look at the top 0.1% and feel behind. At a certain point, when you are literally world-class at something, it's possible you finally shake the feeling of feeling behind. I'm not qualified enough in anything to verify this, but somehow I don't think it's that straightforward.

Maybe it is, but it's really hard to be in the top 1%, let alone the best in the world at something. Moreover, the school system tends to group together "high achieving" students. So now you might have a bunch of 90+ percentile students all spending time and competing with each other.

The result is that there is almost always someone more "ahead" than you. You are on the same path as thousands of your peers, surrounded by smart and ambitious people. You might be smart and ambitious yourself, but it's unlikely you are the smartest and most ambitious.

So basically, the reason we feel behind in life is:

• We pursue the same life paths as the people around us

• Statistically, we probably aren't the best

• And, by definition, only a tiny percentage of us can be at the top

Just become the best!

From the model above, there are two ways to address feeling behind in life: to become the best, or to not surround yourself with people on the same path. I think the first way is what most people try. It's not necessarily a bad strategy—even if you don't become the best, the pursuit of improvement has benefits.

For example, even if you don't become the best student in your class, working hard in school to increase your chances of getting into a good college is probably a good thing. You'll learn more and build a work ethic.

However, it's not an effective strategy for getting rid of the feeling of feeling behind. Some people might be able to brute force their way to becoming the best, but again, it is definitionally impossible for everyone to be the best, so this isn't exactly a great strategy because it's guaranteed that most people will fail.

Okay, clarification

Actually, that's not entirely true. Not everyone can be the best at the same thing, but everyone can be the best at something. People are unique. You have a combination of skills, experiences, and natural talent that no one else has, and you can use that unique combination to become the best in the world at something.

The way to escape the feeling of feeling behind is to pursue a path so niche and personalized that 1) no one else is on the same path as you and 2) no one can compete with you to be the best.

No one can compete with you at being you. One of the highest ROI activities is figuring out what you enjoy doing and what unique skills you have. It is a question of cultivating your skillset and interests in a way that delivers value to society.

The college admissions process in the United States gets a lot of criticism, but the way it makes kids feel behind in life is not talked about enough relative to the harm it creates. From age 6 to 18, students are raised in a highly competitive, zero-sum environment and conditioned to all want the same thing. It's rare for students to take time to figure out what their personal path might be—the path that will allow them to become the best in the world at something.

Mimetic traps and other dangers

In a vacuum, I don't think feeling behind is good or bad. I would put it in the same category as boredom and frustration—not inherently bad, but have the potential to be depending on how we react.

One of the most influential essays I've read is "Mimetic traps" by Brian Timar. I honestly think it should be required reading for people when they turn 18. It's a case study of how attempting to get rid of the feeling of feeling behind can be dangerous. As I mentioned earlier, the most common way people react is to try and become better. We attempt to get rid of the feeling by working to meet the standard that made us feel behind. We see someone ahead of us and we want to catch up.

This is a difficult path and not a sustainable solution. People burn out, hedonic adaptation makes us unsatisfied again, and it requires tremendous sacrifice. But worst of all, we dedicate huge chunks of life to things we might not even care about. There should be more to life than overtaking your peers at something that people find impressive.

I hope this doesn't come across as an attack against hard work. I think becoming the best at something is a noble pursuit, and hard work and sacrifice are necessary components for becoming successful. But if we are going to "grind and sweat, toil and bleed," it should be for the right reasons. Becoming the best in the world at something shouldn't be how you achieve peace of mind. It should be the byproduct of doing things you give a shit about.